The contents of my soul

What is wrong with the world? Better yet, is there something wrong with it or it is me that is messed up in the head?

I`m not political in this question; I cannot actually be more humane than I`m striving to be with these thoughts. What happened that triggered this? There are more than one reason, as there always are. It somehow culminated to the state I am in; and I`m not pitying myself, not even close to it. And I`m not trying to be patronising nor judgemental with my fellow brothers and sisters. So what is it then that I`m trying to say? It is about how we behave with each other. How we talk, how we conduct our business and how we interact with our environment, be it comprised of humans, animals, things or even ourselves.

What is it in man that pushes him to such places that a goal is more important than a person? When in our tracks have we lost contact with humanity and clang to economy? How can I miss this obvious fact that is staring in My face? My own misery and unhappiness that I try to satisfy with empty things and numbers? Am I really that blind that I cannot see I am hurting myself and consequently mother earth with my current way of thinking and behaving?

What is happening is that I never fail to identify the mistake as being outside of myself. I drastically fail to see how the suffering and misfortune in the world has its roots within me and my own thinking process is the perpetuator of all there is outside of myself. Which of course is all bolocks. There is nothing separated from me. I am in everything and everyone. All bad people and all manipulators are a reflection of what is happening inside of me. Hopefully you realised by now that I`m not talking about this one individual contained within the boundaries of my skin, name, personality and so on. Beyond that, deep within, there is this I that comprises every living thing and also non-living things that are in this world. All that is manifesting is also present within one individual; think of it as bringing all existence and compressing it in one mind, body and soul which actually ends up being the common conscience for everything. What happens anywhere in the world is a pure reflection of what is taking place within a remote part of my Self at some point in time and space. This is a very disturbing thought of course because I do not want to identify myself with every piece of trash that is crawling on this earth. With every murderer, every rapist, every manipulator and every person who is doing something that I think of as being wrong. I want to see myself as the perfect version of how to be and everybody else that is not fitting within my delimitations is either weird or something is wrong with them. But never me. NEVER does it cross my minds that maybe, just maybe, what happens around is just a reflection of what is actually buried deep inside of my soul. I do not want to admit, not even to myself - which gives birth to this whole mess - that I am selfish and greedy and inconsiderate of what others might feel and want. I do not linger enough to ponder that my choices might influence other people`s lives more than even my own. I set our eyes on some inanimate goal, some destination that I created and to which I exiled my happiness, < MY.OWN.HAPPINESS. > and I strive to reach that goal without considering the ones around us - the only part of this life that really truly matters. We tramp on souls which are here to create opportunities for me to repent our misgivings, to bring forth the inspiration in me to join the dance of life rather than trying to stir the whole world into our own little world; these people that come into our lives are part of the same oneness from which we, from which I, come. I still see them as someone separate from me and fail so badly at being servile with them. And for what? For bringing those numbers to the perfect balance - the more the profit the better and the less the compensation for everybody who helped in making it happen the better.

I surrendered my freedom and happiness to this inexistent being, this corporation which is not even aware that it exists. Only I am the one that gives power to it and because of that people are dying in other parts of the world. Because of my separation from the world all the wars are happening. Because of my thinking that I am above others all discrimination is taking place and all suffering continues to be perpetuated. I am feeding this beast which plunges into the beauty of life and sucks it dry. And I am failing to see this because my eyes are busy with screens and with pay-checks. And for good reason. Because it is also me who cannot face this demon which is roaming the streets and is tormenting my soul. I cannot stand up to it and shout ENOUGH !! I cannot put a stop to it because that might draw attention upon myself. Unwanted attention. And it would make me responsible for whatever might come next. It would make me responsible for all the freedom such an act would entice. It would mean that there is no more excuse anymore for not changing, for staying in my shell and pretend I know nothing and that it is THEM !!! THEY are the ones that are the culprits for all that is wrong in the world. Not me. Not my desire to be above my brothers and sisters. Not my fear of being alone and of being against the social current; my fear of being weak and suffering. I DO NOT WANT TO PAY THE BILL !! That is what it comes down to in the end. I identify myself so much with this form and body I am occupying that I forget who I really am. I forget that I can put a stop to this madness and start fresh. Only a thought would be enough. A desire to do good instead of not caring for anything except this single body that I am aware of.

So much I am capable of yet so little do I put in practice. I choose to trap my creatures instead of thanking them for creating this world for me. I slaughter and neglect my mother instead of looking after her and thank her for everything she is giving me. I fail to see how interdependent everything is and because of that I think there is no consequence for my decisions because they are so little in this sea of causalities; it might even go unnoticed. But the truth is everything counts. Every I that I manifest myself through counts. Every good deed and every bad deed counts. Every smile and every frown. Every embrace and every avoidance. When is the last time I felt compassion for anything or anyone? Yes, I saw countless vines with cute cats and dogs, with beautiful acts that the person from the other end performed and I liked what I saw. But that is not compassion. Compassion is to feel your heart break when a homeless person is sleeping on the street; or when a criminal is forced to kill, rob or whatever life drove him to do. I think those people are evil from the roots. I think they are not human and I punish them for it. I fail to see how the system which I created and help in keeping intact and in power has pushed them to do these brutal acts. I fail to see how the belief that I am right and others are wrong creates all the violence among countries and races. I fail to see how not listening to my friend, and I mean really listening with all my being and this way be compassionate, is translating in meaningless political debates, revolutions and what not. I fail to see how my own belief that I am only myself and that I cannot really make a difference in the world translates in ignoring my potential of doing good and helping create a better world.

Life is abundant. It is sufficient by itself. There is nothing that anybody can sell me that will make me feel more complete than I already am. But I fail to see this thus I follow other people`s lead towards happiness. The sad thing is, once I reach that promised land there is nothing really different from where I started. There is the same situation in the world, same suffering, same shortages of food and water in regions around the globe, same wars, same misinformation. The only different thing is that now I can shelter this one body that I ocupy and am aware of from the sight of the world. I can seclude it in riches of material origin; not that they are bad. Not at all. All things are for my own disposal. That`s why I created so much of everything. But what is wrong is that I feel justified in wronging others. I feel I am above them because I worked so hard to get here and suffered the wrongs of others; that entitles me to wronging others in return now that I am above, on top of the pyramid. What is sad is that I fail to see I am only hurting myself when I wrong them. I am only lying to myself and keep myself away from true happiness. From the joy of opening my heart and arms to every manifestation of myself; I stay on the side and mock the dance that life puts on, the exquisite show that existence is playing just for me. I fail to see it and feel it. I fail to accept love and surrender this poor little me that I am aware of to the grander existence. To the One that is omnipotent and omnipresent. I mock this notion because I do not understand it. I see those who surender their power to a higher existence as weak, as stupid. I fail to see that I am part of something beautiful and divine. I fail to see I AM DIVINE and others together with me. And all existence in fact is divine because there is no separation. There is only one absolute truth and this is it. Though I do not see it. I cannot touch it therefore I do not believe in it. I cannot let go of everything that I think I am because, why this is ME !! How can I stop being me?! There is so much contradiction in everything and there is nothing actually that can give me a steady ground to which I can cling. So I am afraid. I am not actually superior to my brothers and sisters. I am afraid of accepting the truth. I am afraid of what might happen, of what is unknown. But beauty comes from the unexpected. And sometimes, through some of my awareness I know this. So I do not give up on myself. I remind myself that nothing is really real, all this suffering is not really taking place. Is all in my head. And I accept myself with all my misgivings, with all my resentments against myself and against my way of thinking. And in these moments of lucidity I make a promise to myself to always try to remember and awaken from the illusion. To extinguish all suffering from my heart and thus purify the world. Here I go again. More violence to remove violence. I thought I know better by now that this is not the way. I cannot impose new beliefs upon the old ones. I guess I could but it would create even a bigger mess waiting to explode in my face; because once I eliminate suffering then I really see myself as better than anyone else. Why, I am the remover of suffering and I am the one that saved all there is. So silly can I be sometimes.

So how then can I change this whole thing? Can it be changed? Why of course not. And of course it can. I am crazy I might say to myself. I just might be. Would I know if it were true? I am seeing myself as this thing separated from everything else and excuse myself from all that is happening for the simple fact that I did not do it. SO maybe I truly am crazy. Crazy not to see how I am the creator of all. But maybe there is still a chance for me. There is always a chance I guess... I KNOW !!! I can laugh. But I cannot laugh as I usually do. This has to be a different kind of laugh. A special laugh. A laugh so different and so powerful that can be heard all across the globe. So intense that the cries of babies cannot be heard over it and they would even stop to wonder at this laugh they hear. A laugh so outrageous that the guns and tanks and planes would vibrate with its power and they will cease all fire for all eternity. A laugh so truthful that will wake me up completely from this illusion and would make every shade of uncertainty and confusion fall from my mind. I would have to give such a laugh that the planets and galaxies would stop rotating and would laugh also and then decide just for the fun of it to start moving again only for this laugh to be kept going also. It should, actually it must be so incredible that aliens across the Universe would hear it and would come over to see what is causing this on a planet so succumbed in sorrow as our own and when they would get here they wouldn`t want to leave anymore and would call all their relatives and friends to come over and join this party of laughter. This might just work. Such an act of rebellion and acceptance in the same time for all that is taking place in the world just might be enough to make things change for the better. I might realise that life is not so serious as I make it look, that is actually the funniest thing that ever existed. I just might start crying and with my tears wash away all the suffering that I keep inside. I even might be inclined to open my heart to my brothers and sisters across the globe and together to bring tears of joy now for our mother earth. Maybe I would go really crazy and start thanking everything and everyone for being in my life and teaching me what it means to be human and alive. I would unplug the machine of destruction that is sucking our planet together with my body dry of all its beauty and capacity of creating. I am able now to rejoice for all that has happened and give thanks for this harsh lesson and even go as far as promise myself that I would always remember what this is all about. My bread will end up on other plates and other breads of other people will end up on my plate. I would stop possessing things and even people and everything and everyone will be for everyone else. I will forgive myself for lacking the strength to bring this about before and give myself the love I so much need. Because to love is to accept myself for what I am, with all the dark alleys and bright ones together. Loving, true loving that is, is to open to everything and embrace everything and everyone. To not judge no matter how harsh the circumstances, to not punish, to not control. Love is present when nothing else is taking place. Then there is no need to do anything anymore because by then I am already the One eternal being, the meaning of life itself and love is pouring from every crevice of my marvellous being. Everyone is one and the same and I cannot distinguish anymore the bodies that are surrounding me. I treat others as I treat myself and there is a connection that cannot be severed by anything because there is nothing outside of the circle of love anymore. Now I see the sunshine and drink from it. I bathe in the sea and the wind is bringing tales of far off lands where I am dancing around fires on the sounds of flutes held by beautiful women and men. Now the stars wink at me and the moon is myself shining the blue light of melancholy. I can stay with every feeling and not condemn it for arising in my heart, for now everything is an experience without the delimitations of good and bad nor any other type of identification. The only words I speak are to give praise to the flowers for how they bloom but even that I do not utter because now I see through all my eyes around the globe. Now I understand myself and there is no need for pointing out nor give any explanations. I do not strive to reach the top alone anymore; I see there is no top to reach. I hold hands with everybody and together we breathe the fresh air, we move to create, dance intricate dances, feel without excluding one part of ourselves and love everything there is. Now I am truly human and nothing is wrong with the world anymore because nothing is wrong with me. I am this trail of manifestations and I do not fear anymore what is taking shape because I see it is only I that keeps me company. It can be sad and I feel sad sometimes, but then I embrace myself and love myself in all my splendour because I am all this love, all the light and I am not afraid to shine anymore. I am alive.