I came to see the falsity of so many around me. What drives them to lie to those around them and most of all to themselves?! What/ How/ Why is this dreadful thing of an EGO? Is it any different from Decartes' evil demon that creates a false reality all around us?
Is a person who`s trying to do good but from a wrong place, from a lie, right or wrong in doing so?
What are we pursuing in all our experiences and attempts in obtaining happiness? Is man an imperfect being as to complete itself with other substances? We consider nature to have done a mistake?
I realized I wronged in judging. I chose to throw responsibility away to someone else. But maybe I misunderstood completely what Ayahuasca is all about. I was expecting a tipsy, bumpy, visionary experience and instead I got a calmness in thinking from which I could disarm things into a deeper level of connection to the self. And what is the SELF?
I didn`t trust the plant and I got punished. When I stumbled and fell from the crest of the sand dune which this whole experience is, I fell into the abis. Stumbling and rolling down, I managed to catch a rope that was anchored in the reality I was used to. That was the moment when Ayahuasca showed me what is capable of if one is reckless with it; it took a scissor and cut that rope.
Down there I met demons that knew existed before only as an image. Now the creature in all its splendor and power smiled to me. It was scary !! at least, something more..dreadful. Then I realized it was all in me, since the beginning ; I only chose to ignore it by putting a nice drape over it. It is like mining into yourself. You reach lower into the depths of consciousness to dig up precious stones. You find happiness, hate, love, desire and many others. There are not good and bad stones. There are just stones. What you choose to make with them defines as a good or bad action. You can easily hurt someone with love, a mother who takes the authority from her son is a perfect example, as well as with hate you can build something good - by understanding where it comes from and see it for what it is, one can discard it and connect with another who before was bringing hate into existence in one.
BUT only with balance between the two. You cannot act solely from one perspective. It needs to be a neutral point in which all meet and from where all thought and feeling emerge. You have to be able to explore the depths of each corner of you, being capable after to find the way back by heart. The same as you have to go back in the bucket and pull yourself up to the neutral point to examine the gems harvested.
Ayahuasca gives you pieces of a puzzle and until you solve it you don`t know what the final image looks like. After finished, you can decide if it`s good or not and discard it if necessary. Don`t cling to something you built just because it took effort to build it. Remember, even destruction is capable of leaving place to something new and worthy of the labeling of it as truth. Sometimes one discovers that the final image of their puzzle is actually just another piece for the puzzle to come.
Any bad decision, memory, experience or thought/ belief (each) represents just a thread in the cloth which life is. It is amazing and stunningly divine how everything interconnects with everything. So it is impossible to separate a 'bad' thread from the cloth without ruining the pattern, which as most know causes conflict & pain. You can only choose to keep it or cut it early, leaving it still in the original design.